Generally struggling.

Between extreme CFS problems and having so little money that not all of our bills could get paid on time last month, we’ve not done Anything since we moved for our gods and spirits beyond pushing some love in their direction when we’ve had a scrap of energy that wasn’t immediately consumed by stress, chronic pain, and trying to deal with all of the things that aren’t getting done like they should (laundry, dishes, food beyond a can of tuna and an apple, etc).

I have never had the feeling that they minded much (though some of the wights where we live are irritated that we haven’t formally introduced ourselves and established regular contact) and that they understood that on so many levels I just Can’t right now, but I’m very distressed (which, of course, cycles back around into feeding the cfs, pain, and stress) by my lack of doing anything.

But it has to change. Because even if they don’t mind, it’s creating a lot of distance, which hurts.

So I need to figure out a devotional structure that invites a lot of closeness, but doesn’t involve physically doing very much or buying things.

I don’t know if it’s a permanent loss or if we can get them reinstated, but we are currently trying to feed two people on only one person’s food stamp allotment, and cannot afford to spend any cash on food. The feds also decided that cutting the amount of benefits anyone receives was acceptable. So we have around $150 for a month of food. I’ve lived on $100/mo for myself before, but not $75, and, frankly, I’m worried, because our health visibly suffers when we aren’t eating a lot of vegetables and fresh mushrooms.

They do not make it easy to find food pantries here, but I feel like it’s something we need to do. Getting some of the dried or canned staples another way would free up some of the food stamps for vegetables, etc. 

We were given a crockpot, and maybe if I do soup in batches when I can stand up for more than a few minutes at a time, we will be somewhat more nourished. We don’t have a microwave, but soup is easy to reheat in a pot.

I’ve also been having nightmares and flashbacks for over two months more often than not. I woke up today actually confused because I’d had a normal dream.


One thought on “Generally struggling.

  1. naiadis

    Again wishing you were closer — we don’t have money to spare at this point, but I could find time to put into helping y’all with food prep.

    I don’t struggle with any fatigue stuff, except for on the days when I push myself too much and I do my fever-body aches-shivers thing, which rest helps and is usually gone after a day of allowing myself to do nothing — which hardly counts, because doing the right things alleviates the symptoms. I do watch Beth struggle with her Fibro and arthritis, and what I am coming to suggest is — what about sharing _that_ with Them? I realize it’s not much of a ‘hey, here I am, here you are, I see you, hello new friends,’ exchange, but, at least in my experience, the land wights I’ve been around appreciate a sharing of self. Stuff, material stuff, can come later, when it’s feasible. Just . . . don’t trick yourself into thinking it needs to be elaborate and involved. Hold them in your mind, and share your suffering with them, not from a place of expecting anything of them, just, to connect.

    We want to give them beautiful things. We want to lavish great gifts on them, and time carved out just for them, but they are not humans with a human limitation on resources, with a finite ability to deal with other peoples’ suffering, and they are largely ignored by the masses. I don’t mean to suggest that because of this they’l accept whatever crumbs we thro at them, though I realize it sounds like that. What I mean is, in my experience they have been more forgiving of the variations of what our “best” looks like, at any given time, than our fellow humankind can be.

    And, then, maybe ask for their help in the transition to your new place. Maybe ask for their blessings, and maybe offer to hold a blot for them, once you have the means and the health enough to do so.


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