I needed to pick someone up from the hospital, and they had some minor complications, so instead of leaving at 2, we left at 5. After I took them home, the earliest I could’ve gotten to class was half an hour after it started, and since I was sick last week, I’ll apparently need to take the entire class over later. Irritating, but that’s not exactly a difficult choice to have made.
I found out that one of my other programs wants me to start on the 100,000 prostrations and 100,000 Vajrasattva mantras as soon as possible, instead of waiting until much later, like another of them does.
(These are prerequisites for practicing tantra, later. There are some other things you’re supposed to do 100,000 times, but I suppose it depends on the lineage — if I can get away without making 100,000 Buddha statues, I would be especially grateful. The materials alone, I don’t know how I can afford.)
I emailed them to ask what their preferred adjustment to prostration procedure would be for someone whose body does not work in certain ways.
I have some plants to put in the garden today or tomorrow. I would rather do it tomorrow, because I hurt, currently, but I’m subject to the whims of others. Whichever day I do it, I will bring out an offering.
I have a lot of recorded things to catch up on. Prey to exhaustion, lately, and very poor sleep. Waking up five or six times seems about average.
Monday is excruciatingly busy and zigzagging around town on the train and on foot, plus carrying home groceries. Meaning I really need to get caught up this weekend, because on Tuesday and Wednesday, I will be preoccupied with exhaustion.
Once one starts the prostrations and mantras, one is supposed to do a bare minimum every day to keep the flow of it going. So I’ll need to get all of that sorted out, too, and have my base things set up for the days I can hardly think straight, and the much more involved days for when I am doing much better.
I imagine if I were some sort of BNP, someone would want to know what Freyr thinks of all of this, which is a very large time commitment, for a long period of time (it would take a few months each in a retreat situation, where you are not doing anything else, and about 9 months for someone working very hard at it at home, and longer for other people, so even if I work extremely hard at it, this is going to be at least a year of huge blocks of time).
I was Buddhist when he met me, and I never had any intention of altering that, and he never made any suggestions about changing it. It would’ve been a deal-breaker.
Which horrifies some people; you’re “supposed” to throw away absolutely everything that has ever meant anything to you in your entire life as soon as a god knocks on your head. Some gods demand that, but assuming they all do is rather foolish, and even if they do demand that, there is generally a period of time where you have some way in your own future.
A lot of people don’t try to negotiate their commitments, which is both a sad and a frightening situation to me. They leap into marriage and god-slavery and lifetime commitments without thinking about anything past tomorrow, or “Yay, this god I think is hot is into me!”
I don’t know if I derive some benefit from being in my thirties, having lots of boring responsibilities, being disillusioned about fairytale romances, or from having been in abusive relationships and learning boundaries as a way to save my own life, but I’m extremely disinterested in jumping into anything or making any promises that I haven’t examined from every possible angle and had someone else examine, and if I am going to do something that I cannot, for some reason, walk away from, I am going to think about it for a damn long time first.
Buddhism is not without its rigid commitments.
Ah, we’re having a thunderstorm, now. The plants will have to go into the soggy ground tomorrow.
I should listen to my classes, though I want to curl up with him and listen to the rain.