Why me?

I’m babysitting my best friend’s body while most of the rest of him is involved in an extremely taxing, very long ordeal. This is convenient, as I’ve been mostly-homeless since the beginning of the year.

A few days before it began on the equinox, Freyr visited him while he was meditating. Neither of us are very surprised when people show up, but he is one of Loki’s sons and is more accustomed to having extended family drop in. Freyr told him to tell me, in essence, to pay attention because I was so lost in my misery that his attempts at getting my attention weren’t working.

Well, yes. That got my attention. I couldn’t imagine what he wanted. I’ve always thought of myself as nothing, a nobody, someone who is at best an assistant and otherwise overlooked. I am the people dressed in solid black during plays that you’re meant to ignore as they rearrange things in the background. I am good at that job. Why else would I be sitting here next to Brand’s sleeping body, particularly in lieu of anyone else you’d assume would take the job, such as a lover?

Also, I’m a Buddhist. This isn’t my religion. I’ve just been tugged into it sideways because Brand’s everything tends to be enveloping, and I’m a very sensitive empath and sensitive to otherworldly things, and Loki is chatty, and… really, I just thought of all of it as interacting with my best friend’s family.

His father talks to me from time to time. Today it was to tell me in part to stop being terrified of Freyr — of intimacy (insert 10,000 words about the ways my heart has been twisted and broken in the last seven months) and of being one of those people who, with no prior experience with a god, suddenly announce that said god is interested in them — and to reassure me at length that he had never left Brand since all of it started, and that Brand would be all right.

He told me that despite the nearly-overpowering radiation of LIKE, Freyr was the gentlest person he knew, no doubt knew all about my PTSD and trauma about relationships and sex and how afraid I am of even entertaining the idea of being near anyone, and all of the rest of it, and would never do anything, or, and this may have been the most important part, would never make sad eyes at you or lay guilt trips on you because of it.

He suggested that rather than spend my trip home from the dentist reading or reciting mantras (my default subway activities), I talk to Freyr. Suggested rather strongly.

So I did, for a little while. I had a headache from the dentist. I asked why me?, and after why not you? clarified, no, a real answer. I need a real answer.

He said that I was gentle and kind, regardless of how many times and ways that I am hurt. He said that I was beautiful. He said that I was very strong despite being very wounded.

(And then I was distracted by getting to the train station and getting on the train.)

When we resumed, I was looking for something to listen to so that I could tune out some of the subway noise and ended up deciding to listen to a talk on maitri instead, with the intention to talking after I’d gotten home, eaten, looked after Brand, etc.

When it started playing, he gave me a look.

Maitri or Metta is a loving-kindness practice/meditation. It’s quite simple but very challenging. You work on earnestly wishing yourself, someone you feel grateful toward, a close friend, a neutral person, and someone you dislike happiness and the cause of happiness, and freedom from suffering and the cause of suffering, and then you wish the same to all sentient beings (this includes things like fruit flies and the yappy dog down the street, gods, otherworldly all sorts of things, the dead, and so on). Work on is the important phrase. Over a long period of time, it opens your heart, enables you to experience great compassion, and helps you reach a place of equanimity, which you’re simultaneously working on with your regular meditation practice.

So — largely homeless, life a mess, deeply hurt, and I’m spending forty-five minutes doing maitri instead of any of the other million ways I could’ve found to use the time.

Apparently that proves his entire point of why me.

Today’s rune was Wunjo.


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